All the wrong reasons
by BCshipper
Summary: Somewhere in the beginning of season 5. How does she feel?


I was watching Payback again. I guess it explains a lot. Please read and review and have fun. :)

Disclaimer : Don't sue. I don't own anything.

Beat. That was her punishment. Except she has done nothing wrong. She was just doing her job. Something she was damn good at. Something that meant everything to her. Not just now, after her sister's death but from the beginning. People said she was dedicated to her work. But that was a misunderstanding. She devoted everything to it. Her life, future, things she could have one day or ever achieve. But that was her choice. It gave meaning to her existence. And there hasn't been a thing she wasn't ready to sacrifice for it. Even him. No matter how hard it could be. For a greater good. For her job. It had to be done. Till that day she didn't regret that. But now she was demoted and back in uniform.

Beat. She thought she was past that. During the last few years in ACU she had succeed in forgetting how much she hated bag. How much it didn't work. And now being back in uniform felt like a slap in a face. Like a prize she was working so hard to win that was taken away from her. Temporarily because there was no way she was going to give it up, but still. She was deceived. Angry. And hurt. But she was going to handle that. It wasn't the first time. If she had managed after her sister's death that was not even comparable. She wasn't weak.

But no matter how hard she tried not to think about what happened she just caught herself involuntarily allowing it. Going through it again and again in her mind. It haunted her. Sometimes with a twinge of regret and maybe a little bit of guilt. Maybe she should not have pushed him so much. Maybe she should have let go then. It had already gone too far. She lost control. Maybe if she had let the things take their course, let him do the right thing she wouldn't have lost so much. Because she knew she was going to lose. She realized that the moment she raised her gun in Noble's hotel room and pointed it. She just underestimated that it would be so much. She underestimated him.

She wasn't weak. But it didn't mean she was heartless. She had feelings. And heart. That's why what she has been going through right now was so painful. Humiliation. Just as the sense of betrayal. Two thing she could never forget. Or forgive. Anybody. Especially him.

Beat. It was a kindergarten, not a field for her, one of the best officers here. The anger she felt blinded her. Her aversion to uniform made her lose her focus. Feel too much self- confidence. Take risk. Ignore signs.

Perfect timing to get hurt. She blamed herself for letting it happen. For letting him. Even wished she had listened to what Monroe said. Let go. But even today she knew she wouldn't have been able. Nothing could have stopped her then. And she paid dearly for that. Not recognizing the person that was staring at her in the mirror. She seemed so hurt and weak. And lonely. It hurt just looking at herself. Tears were brimming over, falling and then rolling down slowly on her cheek. Another was appearing at once in the place of the one she wiped so quickly. She couldn't control it any longer. She couldn't force them back. And she couldn't accept that person. She wasn't a victim. She didn't want to be. She wanted to hide it. Pretending to be strong. Putting on the tough, overpowering act, trying to convince everybody that she was in charge. She didn't need anybody to see it. Or to know about it. Especially him. But he found out anyway.

"How you doing?" He asked gently. There was so much concern and unexpected kindness in his eyes. She didn't expect that. But she didn't expect his help at all.

"I'm ok." She assured him, taking a deep breath before answering.

"That was um, that was nice, you calling and all." He knew she appreciated what he did for her. That she was grateful. Even though she didn't want him sticking his nose into it.

"Yeah. Next time, before I push the knife in, remind me who's gonna have to change that damn tire." It made her smile. But that was Bosco. And she was sure he would push that knife again. That was comforting thought.

"So he made it all the way to central booking alive?"

"Yeh, not a scratch. So um…guess I'll see you around." She could see a familiar glint in his eyes, reflecting the battle that was going inside. The battle that he was going to lose again.

"You want to get something to eat, or something?" The warmth in his voice seemed so tempting, offering her consolation and sense of security she needed right now. His words sounded almost as if he wanted it. As if he cared. Not because she was a hurt woman but because she still meant something to him.

"Would you be asking me that if it was Tuesday?" But his face was all the answer she needed.

"Just pretend it's Tuesday."

"You didn't deserve what happened to you." She stopped for a while. He was right. She didn't deserve that. But it didn't change anything between them. Because these reasons were wrong.

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End file.
